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ohcomely
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xx My dad is tearing our family apart
« Thread started on: Aug 8th, 2013, 03:00am »

Okay, just a little story about the whole thing. Sorry, it's a little rambly and all out of order because I'm angry and shaking right now.

So my mom and dad have been married for approximately 18 years. My mom married my dad when she was very young, just 19 years old and my dad was 39. My dad never liked my mom's family. He's always disrespected them and talked trash about them, calling them freeloaders and that they hate him and stuff but in reality it's him that pushed them away despite their efforts to try and establish a relationship with him. Then he took my mom with him to the US. So now my mom is thousands and thousands of miles away from her mom, dad, and siblings. She has no family in the US (except for a cousin that she recently found out that lives near us), and whenever my mom tries to just talk and keep in touch with her family , my dad gets really angry. When she calls her parents or siblings, he spies and listens in on her conversations but expects her to give him privacy when he calls someone on the phone. He's so rude to the point that he starts a commotion so that she's forced to hang up on them. He spies on her by logging into her email and Facebook and monitoring every single thing she does. He gets angry at every single male friend she has on Facebook, even though they are just relatives. He doesn't let my mom have any privacy. He doesn't like it when she has friends and when she does get a friend, he ends up scaring them off. He doesn't want to shell out money so that she could visit her family. Her dad died and he got so angry that she wanted to go back to her hometown and go to her own dad's funeral. She never sees her family and when she does, it's for a funeral.

He constantly emotionally abuses my mom. My mom does nothing but stay at home and clean and cook and care for this family, and unconditionally love him no matter what crap he does. But multiple times when they're fighting, he has said that my mom doesn't care for this family and that she cares more about her mom, dad, and siblings. Wtf? Why can't she love her biological family and us? Why does she only have to choose one family? But my stupid dad doesn't seem to get that. He wants her to only have 100% of her attention on HIM, and HIM only.

He also doesn't do anything special for her birthdays, anniversaries, or Valentines day. Today, when they were arguing (my dad started it) my mom was crying because it was her birthday yesterday and for the past 18 years they've been married, he hasn't done anything special for her. (If she's lucky, he'll greet her. But that's it. No birthday cards, no present, no special dinner. But he expects her to cook for his birthday!) What did he say in rebuttal? "But you love cooking! So I let you cook for your birthday!" What an ***.

Also my dad doesn't let my mom work because she's "a woman and should stay in the home and care for her family" (but really I think that he's just scared that she'll meet a man that's much better than him.) That would be okay if my dad actually HAD a decent paying job. He works dead-end jobs with little money like a security guard or chef at small restaurants. Right now he is unemployed. My mom has recently tried to get a job by talking to one of her cousins (he's a guy) on Facebook. He's a manager and has connections at a local department store so he was trying to help my mom and me get a job since I am 17 and we are at the risk of losing the house because my dad won't get off his lazy *** and find a job. He just sits at home and watches TV. My dad logged onto my mom's Facebook and read through their messages and now he's totally convinced my mom is cheating on him because the messages read "okay meet me at the mall at 2:00pm" and some messages with my mom complaining about my dad and how she's scared my dad will get angry if he finds out she's trying to get a job (ever since I've been born they've always fought about her trying to get a job.) It's ridiculous that he's accusing her of cheating. My mom has been faithful to him since day 1 and also this is her cousin that's he's talking about! I know all of this because my mom has no other friend aside from me and my brother, because my dad has isolated her from everyone just to keep her for his selfish self.

Now he's threatening to just give the house to our aunt and uncle who hates our guts (they helped us buy the house so they have partial ownership of this house) and lives next door (even though he's promised that the house is for me and my brother) (this is the only legacy he can leave for us since he's such a deadbeat that he has nothing to leave for us) so if he just gives this house to them, my mom, little brother, dog and I will have no where to go. I'm so stressed out right now.
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Additional details!

My mom would love to get a job so she could leave him but she does not have ANY job experience whatsoever. She's been in the US for 16 years and he has not allowed her to get a job at all and she literally has to sneak behind his back just to go out and find a job, and when he finds out about this, he starts a huge fight (which isn't physical but very emotionally abusive.) We are also living in a town with a huge unemployment rate, it's very hard to get a job. My mom would drive to other local cities near us but my dad refuses to let my mom learn how to drive a car, so she has no means to get there and city buses won't take her very far.

He doesn't seem to understand that his minimum wage jobs will NOT be able to cover the cost of our mortgage, bills, food, other things, and he doesn't seem to care about the fact that I will be starting college in a few months and my brother is just right behind my footsteps (he's 14 and entering high school.) And even now, where we don't have any money whatsoever, he's not making a single effort to get up and find a job.

He is making my mom extremely depressed. She has no one she can turn to - she has no family, no friends, no where to go. She just wants to leave him but she can't. And also now he's accusing her of cheating on him with HER COUSIN is horrible because as I said, she has done nothing but dedicated her whole life to this family but he can't grasp that idea. He still thinks what she's done is not enough for us. When she first started talking to her cousin on Facebook about helping her get a job at the department store, she excitedly showed me and my brother - she wasn't hiding it from us or anything. But she was extremely scared about what my dad will do if he found out she's trying to get a job.

To him, my mom getting a job and having contact with her family is a horrible thing because it's a gateway to her leaving him. We just don't know what to do anymore. This whole night they've been fighting and no matter how many times we've tried to explain to him that he's wrong and that our mom isn't cheating on him because she SHOWS us all the facebook messages and stuff like that, he can't get it through his dense head that he's wrong. He never believes that he's wrong. He thinks he's perfect and that our mom is always wrong.
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blondechick22
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xx Re: My dad is tearing our family apart
« Reply #1 on: Jul 18th, 2015, 03:34am »

Hello,

I totally understand what your mom, brother and you going through and I am so sorry. I just moved to the usa from Europe so I do understand how your mom is also feeling. Was your dad entire marriage like that or he just started to be more suspicious and abusive now? I could suggest you a lot of things but I don't know how your father could react towards your mother. I am more afraid of her and your brother and yours safety. He obviously has lots if issues and he is a very insecure man. I think your mom should sit with him and have a talk, meaning she talks ans he listens. Emotional abusers have that thing they like to pplay the blame game. She could take him to marriage counselor but I doubt counselor will help. Your dad might change for a couple of weeks and then go back to his old ways. That marriage is a very toxic marriage. Sorry but I never met someone who wouldn't let his wife to work. She is not his slave, she is a human being and she has a right to be independent. But what your mom thinks about this entire situation? What she wants to do?
If comes to your mom family is there any way they could help her financially? I am so sorry that you have to go through this! Ther is also a number to National Domestic Violence Hotline, they can give your mom an advice and even help her just in case things go bad. (I hope not) but keep it just in case 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224.
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kentran
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xx Re: My dad is tearing our family apart
« Reply #2 on: Nov 9th, 2017, 03:11am »

I read your story. This is very sad.
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