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jcorkern
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xx i believe my brother is a sociopath... need advice
« Thread started on: Aug 3rd, 2013, 4:31pm »

I also believe his wife is a sociopath, but let me give some backstory first so there is some context for this belief.

My mom and stepdad have been truckers for 35 years and were recently unable to continue doing that for a living, so I convinced them it was time for them to retire and let me take care of them. They got off the road and lived in another state (against my wishes, I wanted them closer to me, but they refused), while my brother and his wife lived with them.

My brother hasn't held a job in 20 years and is a drug addict. So is his wife. They live solely off of whatever my mom would send to them while they were on the road. They kept them broke and running on fumes for years and years, because my mom will believe anything that he says. He's her "baby" and will not make him work. And it's not because she doesn't believe he should work, it's because he constantly keeps an excuse going so he doesn't have to. They made enough money that they still managed to pay off a house and buy some very nice furniture.

They were sent a substantial amount of money every week to pay their bills with, but it didn't matter how much I sent, they still had to call again before the week was over with the excuse "X utility is getting cut off in the morning". I gave them a vehicle so they would have something to drive and my brother convinced them to trade it in for another financed vehicle, which created another bill for me to pay. They were forced to refinance their house to pay for a truck that my brother rolled a few years ago drinking and driving with no insurance and no license. They had sent the money to pay the insurance, he just didn't pay it. So, I've been forced to pay their house note (a house that they no longer live in, I'll get to that in a minute) and their rent here since I finally got them to move here about 8 months ago.

I footed the whole bill of moving all of them up here, paid for my brother and his wife's "clinic" (i.e. methadone), paid for their cigarettes, all of it for the first couple of months, to give them a "fresh start". They never would go look for a job. They've had excuse after excuse... I even gave his wife a job and she screwed that up royally and with fanfare, so I had to let her go. During the time she was working for me, they moved out for a whole 2 months, and as soon as I had to get rid of her, they packed everything back up and moved right back in with my parents. I was powerless to stop them, even though them moving back in doubled the grocery bill at that house, plus increases in utility usage. There are worse consequences to this that I can't mention in an open forum, however. My mom is 67, but my stepdad is only 60, so I have no legal grounds to stop this. All I could do was just watch them move back in.

In the meantime, the house I'm paying the finance notes on is currently being inhabited by my brother's wife's sister and her family and they haven't paid a dime in rent in the 8 months they've been in it. So, not only am I paying my parents' rent, I'm paying my sister-in-law's sister's rent, too!

I think at this point even my mom somewhat understands what's happening, but she doesn't have the will power to make him go to work. He throws out the "I'll kill myself if I can't beat this" (in other words, wanting more drugs/pills/whatever). Any money that they do get extra, he is surely getting it.

His wife, as I stated, is also a drug addict. She has severe problems with her teeth and we've even had several of them pulled for her, but when she did work for me for a couple of months, she never did anything about them. All of a sudden, she moves back in with my parents and is complaining about her teeth hurting all the time. We were emotionally blackmailed to get my brother into a doctor just the last few weeks; I've probably spent over $500 in doctor bills and prescriptions that we just found out yesterday were based on him lying to everyone for years about the condition of his hip (he claimed he was tested a few years ago elsewhere and it was "bone on bone"... yesterday, the orthopedic I took him to see said this is NOT the case).

5 or so years ago, I was in the middle of separating from my ex and I had the kids with me. My brother and his wife lived in the same house and my parents were on the road. They sent home money to pay the bills, but they never paid them. The money just "vanished" and I was expected to pay the bills out of MY paycheck that was mailed to me every month, because I worked at home. I had to sleep with my notebook under my pillow so they wouldn't steal it (they managed to, anyway); they even snatched debit card and went to mardi gras with it! Spent every nickel. My brother has come over to my house before, raided all of my groceries out of my refrigerator, so he could have a BBQ with his drug buddies. I told my mom and she thought it was funny (at the time).

I can't simply throw him out of the house, because my mom isn't old enough for me to do that legally and it would cause war with her. My stepdad knows what's going on, but he's powerless to stop it, lest he die alone (he has no family whatsoever). I've told him that he wouldn't die alone, that he has me, but I don't think he believes me. My mom will starve everybody around her for my brother's sake, even herself, because she believes any story he comes up with on why he can't go to work.

I'm not telling you all of this to say that my life is bad, poor pitiful me, I'm very happy with my current life. I have a new wife, I have my kids, I have a business, and I have my parents here with me. The only thing that I'm not happy about is my brother and his wife consistently stealing from me and emotionally blackmailing me and my mom so that they can life for free. All my brother does is a little yard work to keep up the appearance that he's doing something; his wife does nothing but sit on the couch and play on facebook. She will not do chores, help cook, and uses the excuse that she can't even really get a job outside the home because she has stolen from every employer she has ever worked for. Of course, she doesn't admit stealing from anyone, just that she was "taken advantage of" and that she was "fired unjustly".

I've tried to get my mom to see what's going on and I don't know how to finish getting it through to her that my brother only cares about himself. She is a very clean woman who is always doing something to take care of everyone and keeps a spotless house. When they moved back in, she didn't get dressed for 2 days. She has never done that before in her life. She always gets dressed because she doesn't like to look like a slouch. This was a clue to me that she understands what's going on... she just can't bring herself to make him do anything.

I'm trying to make sure that my parents get to live their final years in peace, without having to worry about bills, and even some extra so they can go have some fun. But, I can't give them extra so they can go and have some fun if they give it to my brother for him to go and do whatever with. I've worked my entire life to be in the financial position to make sure that not only that they have a nice retirement, but that I will also have one as well. But, with the cancer of those 2 people on the family, I may not be able to prepare for my and my wife's own retirement if she doesn't stop giving them everything he wants.

My brother and his wife both show all of the signs of being a sociopath. This means if I attack this from a normal person's perspective, I lose by default because they have no morals. Nothing is off limits for them. 5 years ago, they somehow managed to convince my mom and stepdad that they needed custody of my kids! I believe it was a ploy to get child support out of me (i.e. secure income), but nothing ever came of it. And this was while they were active in the methadone clinic every day! They had my own mom convinced that they should have my kids, so nothing is off limits to these 2. They'll do anything... as long as they can continue to feed.

What do I do?

I know I need professional help, but I have no idea where to start and even if I did, I don't know how to deal with this without creating war and putting my own household in danger due to their unpredictability. Any advice or direction would be greatly appreciated.
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Nullpointer89
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xx Re: i believe my brother is a sociopath... need ad
« Reply #1 on: Aug 3rd, 2013, 11:01pm »

So I am young and don't have much experience with these types of situations so, I only hope to pose some tough questions so that you may answer them for yourself.

Why are you paying the bills on a house you don't own? If you don't agree with the use of the house (aka have a stake in it), couldn't you just have the bank repossess it? If your brother also possesses a stake in it, taking him to court would probably have the house liquidated to pay for the rest of the house.

Where would you draw the line in the sand and say STOP? Would you keep paying the minimum of parents bills knowing they stay in this situation until your parents died? If your parents were to up and die, or maybe they literally kicked your brother out, do you think he would threaten violence against your Mom, or you? How severe and legitimate do you think these threats would be?

I'm sorry to say this but, I assume your worst case scenario is that your brother takes his own life and your mother immediately dies of grief. That or committing some act of violence on your family. Would your brother care about the repercussions of any of these actions?

I think the next step is to stage an intervention. I think there are probably ways to do it online. Discuss with your Mom what to do based on his reactions before hand, etc, etc.

Personally, I would have disowned your brother a long time ago and would go about separating this terrible person from your mother.
« Last Edit: Aug 3rd, 2013, 11:03pm by Nullpointer89 » User IP Logged

jcorkern
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xx Re: i believe my brother is a sociopath... need ad
« Reply #2 on: Aug 4th, 2013, 9:15pm »

The only problem with any of this is that my mother is enabling him and his wife with the "poor him" attitude. I talked with my dad today and he s game, but we all fear that my mother wll go back to the old house out of state again, but I have made it perfectly clear that I would not be sending money to them down there. So f she does, they do it with no income for any of them. I can not afford several thousand dollars extra a month to keep my brother and his wife happy and out of my life.

Thanks for your advice, it motivated me to make some hard decisions no matter what the end is in this case.
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xx Re: i believe my brother is a sociopath... need ad
« Reply #3 on: Sep 21st, 2017, 9:28pm »

on Aug 4th, 2013, 9:15pm, jcorkern wrote:
The only problem with any of this is that my mother is enabling him and his wife with the "poor him" attitude. I talked with my dad today and he s game, but we all fear that my mother wll go back to the old house out of state again, but I have made it perfectly clear that I would not be sending money to them down there. So f she does, they do it with no income for any of them. I can not afford several thousand dollars extra a month to keep my brother and his wife happy and out of my life.

Thanks for your advice, it motivated me to make some hard decisions no matter what the end is in this case.


I'm very sorry for this. Be strong.
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